An Energising Effect

'The energy generated by British soccer dynamo Wayne Rooney as he sprints around the pitch during a match is enough to boil water for 16 cups of tea, according to research published on Tuesday,' reports The Independent. 'The research is part of a programme to try to raise awareness in the face of the global warming crisis caused by burning fossil fuels.'

Alas, researchers were unable to calculate just how much energy a fuelled-up Rooney exerted in a Liverpool brothel when he reportedly did his bit for the next generation by energising a burnt-out old fossil.